What would qualify as not awesome? No saying "not being AJ" allowed!
I was gonna be a smartass and say "being everybody else" because that's obviously true - but I'm going to play nice. What's not awesome to me? Liars.  I don't think there's a good reason to lie. Not a serious lie, anyway, because I don't find anything wrong with joking. There's nothing wrong with telling the truth. So what if people get mad? They'll get over it. And if they don't? Oh well. That is their problem, not yours. Or in this case, it's their problem and not mine. So don't lie to me or anyone I care about. Also, Seinfeld. I hate that show. totally not awesome. I'd also like to include road rage and roid rage because it sounds funny. I don't really care about either one though but I'm just gonna add them to the list of things not awesome. 'Cause I can. It's my interview and I can add in pointless answers whenever I want, right?

most awesome part of your job?
I guess the first thing I should answer is what my job actually is: I'm a freelance security guard. That means I work when I want, where I want, for whoever I want. I think that is the best thing about it. No matter what, it's my choice, always. I typically choose to work overnights but I've taken jobs at all times depending on what it is. I've worked everything from retail stores to concerts to sporting events (GO BLACKHAWKS!!) and the random private business here and there. It's awesome to work overnight at those places because you're literally the only person around. Like, really, I could watch porn and masturbate AND GET PAID FOR IT. How awesome is that?

Most awesome friends?
Ava is the most awesome friend I've ever had. That will never change no matter how many dumb decisions either of us make or how stubborn we both are. She's all the things I've ever wanted in a best friend, plus so much more, all in one neat little package. I suppose Kimber and Sean are awesome friends too although personally, Kimber would be so much better if she wasn't boring -- sorry, I mean married -- and Sean would be so so so much better with a vagina. Well, not with the same exact appearance as he has now, because then that'd be really weird and I don't think Sean, looking the way he does now, would even want a vagina. But throw his personality in a body like .. I don't know, Talyn? And I bet I would've tapped that by now. And sex = makes friendship so much more awesome.

What could make anyone more awesome?
I think me being in someones life automatically makes them more awesome. other things include playing video games or liking the same shows, movies, or sports/teams that I do. If for some reason you do not know what I like, then I guess you've never heard me speak before, or post on the journal, etc. There's a chance I say every single day how proud I am to be a Chicago native and how much I love the Chicago Blackhawks. So, here's a way to be awesome fast: Become a Blackhawk fan and you're awesome. Just like that. BOOM.

Who do you look up to?
Tall people.

What do you look forward to?
Whatever is in front of me. What the fuck is with these questions?

If you could have anything you don't already have without repercussion or thought of money, what would it be?
For everyone I care about to be in one place and that place being Chicago.

if you could get away with anything, what would you do?
I'd like to rob a bank dressed up as Michael Jackson in the Thriller music video with a bunch of friends (also dressed as those in that same video) and then break out in the dance with the song blasting in the background. And then get out safely with the money and have it be on the news and be talked about for years and years about being the most thrilling bank robbery ever. Also, all the hostages and maybe even the police could get in on the dancing and maybe take some selfies afterward to upload to Instagram with the caption: These bank robbers are the most awesome bank robbers in bank robbing history. And then post on twitter (In 140 characters or less) about their experience with the most awesome crooks of all time. If we were invited to some talk shows like Jimmy Fallon or like, if Oprah came out of retirement to talk to us and made sure we wouldn't get arrested, then I'd totally do it. Only if she like, gave away stuff. Like YOU'RE GETTING A CAR. AND YOU'RE GETTING A CAR. AND YOU'RE GETTING A BLOWJOB FROM ANY CELEBRITY YOU WANT. AND YOU'RE GETTING ... well, yeah, you guys get the point.

if you had to change your name, what would you change it to?
I wouldn't want to change my name. I'm happy with being AJ Kostner. I guess that's technically not my name since I was born Andrew Jonathan and later on was adopted by the Kostners - but the thing about my name is it partially comes from my birth father and that means a lot to me. So, I'm satisfied. If I was absolutely forced to or if none of that was a factor, then I'd choose something cool like Marty McFly, because why the fuck not? Or maybe just change the Andrew part of my name so it was a different A in AJ. Like to Alejandro or something.

What are some of your pet peeves?
I don't really like it when people throw things. Like, you're mad at me? Okay. Be mad. Don't throw stuff at me because then that stuff can break. And now you're breaking things and I get mad at you and it's this endless cycle of madness. Especially the remote. DO NOT THROW THE REMOTE INFRONT OF ME. Actually, just don't throw remotes AT ALL. Throwing remotes is on the same level as animal cruelty and child abuse. While I'm at it, It's also on the same level as terrorism, murder and listening to Justin Bieber music. It's fucking horrible and should never be done. What has that remote ever done to you to be thrown or mistreated? The remotes job is to help us watch television or control our dvd and blu ray players and other shit like that. I feel like there should be a remote control support group for those remotes that need help after being abused. If you know any remote that is being mistreated or has been abused in the past, then I suggest you report it right away. Remember, remotes don't have arms or hands or fingers. They are helpless and cannot defend themselves.

do you become scared easily?
I'm not a pussy, so no.

Do you believe true love can exist?
I do. I think it can exist in many ways too, not just one. People, objects, things. I know it sounds funky but there's no problem with a dude being 100% focused at his job and not even want a relationship or a family. Women can be totally in love with her vibrator and six cats. or I could be truly, madly and so passionately in love with video games and cheese. Then, the obvious lame ways with two people whether it's two dudes, two girls (hot) and a dude and a girl. So yeah, true love exists.

do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?
I don't really mind either. I do prefer colder weather though.

what would you want written on your tombstone?
AJ KOSTNER
AUGUST 18TH 1986 - JUNE 9TH 2100
WHEN I DIE, I STOP BEING DEAD AND BE AWESOME INSTEAD.
             TRUE STORY.

Have you ever stolen anything?
The hearts and virginities of many girls? Duh.

What is your biggest pet peeve?
I don't own any peeves right now but Ava and I do have two cats. I think Cheeto would be the bigger of the two. (I was asked this question twice so I had to be creative. What type of animal would a peeve be anyway?)

If you could have any superpower whatsoever, what would it be?
This question is so hard. Maybe too hard. I don't know how you can pick just one super power but I guess if someone was giving me a superpower and pointed a gun at my head to choose which one, I'd choose telekinesis. So I could shove the gun up his ass and threaten to shoot until he gave me all the powers I wanted.

Do you still watch cartoons?
Yes I do. Cartoons are awesome. If I see any of the classic cartoons on, I'll watch but the ones I catch more consistently would be South Park or Family Guy.

Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
I'd probably hide it in my -- wait, if it's hidden, why should I answer this question? I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

What is your fondest childhood memory?
Playing doctor with Ava. And myself.

What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
So many. Back to the Future trilogy. Anything Spiderman. The Shawshank Redemption. The Breakfast Club. The Heavenly Kid. My sex tapes.

If you could only see one band/artist in person, who would it be?
Nobody rocks harder than Metallica. Although I'm also tempted to say Ava whenever she sings in the shower because it's entertaining as hell.

what would you leave in your will for the person you care about the most (other than yourself, as you are dead)?
Nobody knows me better than Ava, so I would give her everything and tell her to pick what she wants and divide the rest for everyone else. Since I'll still be stiff, I wouldn't judge her if she wants to bone one last time. (P.S. go ahead and deny this will happen in comments, I don't want people to judge you because they are jealous.)

what were your best/worst subjects in school and what subjects would you want to learn now?
My favorite thing to study in school was the girls. Obviously. I'm a dude. The worst was probably everything else. I was also good at lunch, though.

if you were to perform in the circus, what would you do?
Whatever the main event of the circus is, cause I'm the shit.

what action would your name be if it were a verb?
It would have to be something along the lines of being awesome. Obviously. Or having a big willy.

what is the most outrageous thing you've ever done?
I forget her name but she was so fucking wild and we boned in public a lot. Also, sisters. Twice. Not the same set of sisters twice but two different set of sisters. And not at the same time, I'm not that freaky. (although if you're a set of two hot sisters.. well nevermind)

if you owned a cb radio, what would your handle name be?
The Awesome Cogglesnatch Cuttlefish McCool Jr. Just like my penis, I like my CB handle names to be a mouth full for people. #icanmakeanythingdirty #causeimawesome #winning #hashtag

name the most famous person you've had a face to face encounter with. (hint: the answer better be me.)
Me.

chunky or creamy peanut butter?
I like both but prefer creamy. This makes me think dirty though.

what's the most interesting question you've ever been asked?
This one. So good job.

if someone rented a billboard for you, what would you put on it?
Are you sad? Are you lonely? Are you a sexy female? If the answer to the last question is yes, call AJ Kostner (714-635-8040) for a good time. Yes, that's my phone number. For real.

if you got paid 1 million dollars to spend one night in a haunted house, would you?
I'd do that for free, really, so the money would be a bonus. Of course with the money, I could always buy Supernatural costumes and take my friends. Or just hire the Supernatural cast to come with me.

what's your greatest achievement so far in life?
Actually completing this interview because I thought it'd never get done. Not only do I work a lot but I procrastinate - I even procrastinate procrastination because earlier on I needed to sleep but I kept putting it off. I am the ultimate procrastinator. I'm also the ultimate something else that rhymes with procrastinator.

is there anything you regret or want to take back?
I don't regret anything. Ever. It's not who I am and I'm not going to start. ever.

who was your childhood hero?
George Carlin. The perfect hero for any child.

if money was no object, what would you do all day?
Part of me says nothing at all but like video games and TV but that'd be a lie. I'd still do shit like work out because how else am I gonna be so hot?

how would your friends describe you?
I can't answer for my friends so instead I asked them. Kimber said I was so awesome and definitely did not have a small willy, even though she jokes about it all the time. Sean said I was a decent guy, even though I'm too good for him cause he's always loud and obnoxious. He says he does that to try and reach my level of awesomeness, I don't know - he's fine the way he is, I think. And Ava said that I'm awesomeness personified. And that I'm great in bed. I cannot argue with any one of my friends. I'd ask more people but really, don't you guys get the point? I'm awesome.

what is your favorite zoo animal?
Monkeys. I can relate to them in many ways. I even masturbate infront of strangers.

if you could sit down to dinner with any four individuals, living or dead, who would they be?
Well, it's hard to do anything cool without Ava so she'd have to be one of them. The other three would be Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles and Regis. Because that would be an awesome dinner. #insidejokesareawesome

what's your favorite holiday?
I've always found holidays to be overrated, but mostly because of the idiots who use it as a reason to get drunk or high and have a party just because. But to those that actually use those parties to spend time with the people they want to be around, then it's cool - but not everyone is like that. I don't have one that I like more than another, but Halloween is fun because you get to dress up as whatever. I kind of think we should have more days like that. I'd love to dress up as like, a zombiefied version Marty McFly any day of the week instead of just one day a year. Wouldn't that be awesome? But no, people look at you funny when it isn't October 31st.

What is your favorite hobby with Ava?
I'm trying to figure out if you mean sexually or not. If so, then it's that one thing you do with your... wait, I'm guessing it isn't sexual because you usually like to keep that between you and me. Even though you're wild and should be embracing that, but whatever. It's fine. My favorite hobby with you is hard to pick because I love to do everything with you. Video games, watching TV, going to a Blackhawks game and even our crazy ass road trips like the one where we went to Memphis and learned the word junt. Ava and AJ time is the best time and any hobby with Ava is the best hobby with Ava.

Would you walk 500 Miles for Ava? And would you walk 500 more?
I don't lie, so I will never claim to do something I don't know if I can do. But I'll tell you this. If I had to walk to show you how much I love you, I'd walk until I couldn't walk anymore. If I'm able to walk 500 miles, then the answer is yes. I'll do it. And then 500 more. And I'd keep going for each version of 500 Miles there is.

Why are you the best roommate ever?
Because I live with the greatest friend ever.

Why is your bed more comfortable than mine?
It's not. It's the fact that I'm in the bed and when we're in the same place together, that place is automatically upgraded to be the most comfortable place ever.

Does it bother you when I steal your shirts and declare them my own or have you just not noticed yet? If you haven't noticed yet, can you please pretend I never asked this question?
I've noticed but I like it, actually. Most of my shirts are either sports related or kickass in some way and actually look far sexier (it's hard to believe, I know) on you. Keep on keeping on.

Who would be a better addition to our group in the event of a zombie apocalypse, Barney Stinson or Jeff Winger?
This is difficult, but I think I have the right answer. Barney would be AWESOME, but I have a feeling he might not take the zombies seriously. He might think they are not too far gone and feel like they can come back. He's awesome like that. He might try and high five a zombie and boom, he becomes the most legendary zombie in zombie history. And I'm sure he would still take great pictures as a zombie, too, but yeah - he's gonna die. Jeff Winger would be awesome because our group will need that guy who can give great speeches and he's GREAT at giving great speeches. He would know the zombies are zombies and won't be able to come back, ever, and probably be decent at killing them. However, I do think he would eventually get killed. His history at Paintball shows that he isn't the best but he'd be great for awhile. I choose Jeff Winger.

What is your greatest strength? What is your greatest weakness?
My greatest strength is that I have no weaknesses. Yeah, I went there.

What's the last text you sent?


If you could give the world one piece of advice, what would it be?
Just stop taking everything so fucking serious. I'm sick of somebody saying something racist and then people flipping out over it. It's 2015 and those are just words. There's freedom of speech in this country for a reason yet everybody these days is a sensitive bitch. Shrug it off, stop letting it bother you and move forward. It's not worth the time.

If you could choose one of your personality traits to pass on to your potential future child(ren), what would it be?
The obvious answer is the awesome trait but if I had to be serious, and I am when I say I'm awesome, I'd probably go with my ability of being honest no matter what. Again, I don't think anyone should keep the truth from somebody just because "it might hurt" because like, wtf. Grow up, dudes.

What the fuck is going on in this picture?!
Oh, awkward. I didn't think you'd share this photo. But since you asked, this is that guy you slept with that cost you your job in Chicago. Although I'm confused cause now I'm getting the feeling he made you pay him for the sex. Is it true?

If you instantly turned into a woman for a day, how would you spend that day?
Since I'd be a woman, I'd do the obvious woman things which include: Complain, be far less superior than dudes and drive badly. But on the bright side, I'd probably just spend that day in bed masturbating and playing with my boobies. Maybe jumping up and down infront of a mirror and watching them bounce. Put a tampon in because it seems like fun to me, really. Oh, and on the topic of tampons, go ahead and make it the special time of the month because personally, I think all you women are weak and I'd love to show you I can take pain. Fuck those cramps. I wonder how many women I offended with this answer? #ajgoesthere

What is the most awesome thing that has ever happened in your entire life?
It's funny that you ask that, AJ, because I think it's the perfect question to end this totally awesome interview of awesome. That happened just days ago. New Years Eve night, me and Ava had a long talk that would end with us deciding that the new years kiss we were going to share later that night would be the last one of our single lives. As the last few seconds ticked and we kissed, we officially got back together in the most awesome ways ever. Like, seriously, top that fuckers. On a serious note, as much as I joke about it, I'm not perfect. I do a lot wrong. I say a lot of dumb things and make people mad all the time. But that's okay, I'm just being myself and I'd rather not be anyone else, even if it makes other people happier. I am who I am. I don't regret anything even if that hurts people, even the closest people to me. I make mistakes, but I learn from them and that's why I don't regret anything. I'm not always consistent with being a good guy but I've been consistently good at one thing all my life. Ever since I was a kid living next door to Ava, I've loved her and that has never and will never stop. And since I'd rather not end this awesome interview sounding like a super lame hallmark card, I'm going to end this the only way I know how and that's by being me. So here it is:

Since Ava and I are together now, that means she's off the market, guys. I know, it sucks. She's quite a catch and I've got her. Girls? Well, hot ones anyway.. I know you're heartbroken that I'm no longer single but I've got GREAT news. After we have a little time for us, I'm going to bug Ava for a threesome and since she still didn't pay me back for the office, she owes me. And since she took me away from you, I think she owes you too. She'll deny it at first, maybe for a really long time especially after reading this but I have a feeling she'll come around. I promise. And with that said, KOSTNER OUT.